Sirius

My dog is dying.

I keep a positive attitude, I swear I do. A million prayers, healings and buckets of positive energy have gone out to him from friends I don't even know, wonderful people who care about this stranger and her dog,  but I sit her daily and watch him wither away, a beautiful animal turning to bones before my eyes.

I am a fixer and a healer myself. I could supply anecdotes of what I have done that you would not believe, but the bulk of my healing has been through my knowledge of diseases and their cures, and my love of nurturing and healing those I care for. I am usually quite successful.

Today I am powerless.

I cannot heal my friend. I don't even know if holding him hurts him or comforts him. There is no more medicine I can give, no more energy I can saturate his being with, nothing that will stop the progression I am watching daily.

One of my best friends is dying and I sit here, impotent and frightened, afraid I am not doing all I can, afraid my sorry and fear is hurting him more.  I look into his gaunt eyes and the anger wells up in me,  anger at whatever god or higher power or whatever keeps these wheels turning would pile on yet more hurt in my life after everything I have endured in the past. I know a human or two who deserves a slow, withering death like my canine son , so why not them? Why my baby boy who has only enjoyed life with boundless energy for a year or so? He's a baby still for chrissake.

And the pain has tendrils too, little offshoots into other parts of my life. I feel guilt and sorrow towards my husband. I got him Sirius to replace his dog, the one his ex wife murdered.  And now that Sirius has turned into the perfect dog, has become his faithful companion, his best friend, now that its Man and Dog again, he is being ripped from him, just like his other dog was, and this beautiful man has already seen so much pain and hurt and anger and injustice that this, this is too much. Why I keep asking, why Sirius?

I have a new puppy. I got her when I was sure Siruis would survuve. I got her as a playmate for him, he loves other dogs so much. She is cute and sweet tempered and loves Sirius but part of me, this evil hateful part, it despises her for her energy, the life force that I want to snatch from her and inject into my Sirius. I sit and watch her, the beginnings of life, and him, the end, and the dichotomy is ripping my guts out.

My dog is dying.

Those of you who have had this happen know exactly what I am going through yet I feel completely alone. I don't know if is hope or wishful thinking or a protection of me or themselves but no one will agree with me so I am alone in my sorrow.  I wish the hope had not left, I really do. Hope is just an illusion we treat ourselves to so we can go on, but watching him all day, day in and day out, seeing him fade slowly before my eyes, how am I supposed to have hope? I have always been the kind of person who eventually loses the people and things she loves so why should Siruis be any different? Poor pitiful me. Everyone deserves a bout of self pity now and again.

I don't want other's pity. I don't want platitudes or Pollyanna attitudes, I don't want upbeat positive thinking. I want someone to hold me while I cry my soul out for my dying friend. I don't want to cry alone anymore.

And I want answers. Why does Mark have to lose another beloved friend? Why is such a sweet loving animal being tortured by a disease when there is plenty of evil in the world that deserves it much more?

I don't want to hear "the good die young". "God needs him now" "he will be in a better place" there's a reason for everything" I don't want to hear another bullshit saying from a bumper sticker, I just want my fucking dog back. Is that so hard?

My new puppy Maggie is a sweetheart and I know as she grows with the family she will become a precious part of it. I already love her very much. But her brown eye are too much like Sirius's and I know I will see him in there, at least in part, whenever I look at her sweet face.

I haven't had much death n my life, at least death of people I truly care for, and the animals I have had have either been lost to me through divorce  or by some other means, so I have never really had a pet die before and certainly Sirius is one of the best ones I have had. How do you deal? Am I over reacting? Should it feel like this, like my brother is dying?

The why won't it go away? And the helplessness. If he needed a kidney it  would be his, if he needed anything it would be his but only he can fight this now, he and the medicine that may be killing him as well, we really don't know for sure. Hell he may have cancer and all this hope and medicine is for nothing.

All I know it that by letting him run and play and be free I have allowed him to contract a rare and frequently fatal infection. It's my fault he is dying. How do I reconcile that with my son and my husband when he is gone (my daughter is not super attached to him). How do I tell them I am sorry? That he was having so much fun and is such a magnificent creature to watch play and hunt in the muck that I killed him by accident?  I dont think "whoops my bad" will suffice here.

As I type this I watch my 13 year old cat Chloe, the friend who has seem me though the worst times of my life, and I think how ironic it is. I have always though she would be the first pet I would mourn for. But I never felt like this about it. She has had a long and good life so if she were to go tomorrow the lame philosophies designed to comfort us would probably work, I am not a completely negative person.

And I also sit here and watch Maggie my puppy, still smaller than my fat ole cat Jake, I watch her as she sleeps at my feet, already attached to me at age 10 weeks. She will be a good dog, We will love her and she will be faithful and is already quite protective yet has a gentleness about her as well.

Sirius sleeps in his crate. He will sleep all day and perk up when Daddy gets home so no one believes me when I tell them how sick he is. He runs on conserved energy when around Mark, they are best friends and even in his sick state he has put himself on the line to protect us.

I do obits for all my friend's and family who lose pets. I know how they are human to us and part of the family and I hurt with them when they lose a pet.

Please up there, don't make me write one for own family.

The Sexes Pt. 2

***WARNING! EXPLICIT IDEAS AND LANGUAGE, NOT FOR KIDS***

I have been asking female friends what is important to them in a relationship and have picked the dozen most popular items. Guys this is for you. No judgment here, you do what you want but remember, our  love of sex is directly related to how we feel about you and ourselves.

1-Size does matter.Too big and its no fun. Too small and it's no fun. I don't need to give dimensions here,  if you fit either category you know who you are & have learned to compensate for it in other ways. If you  are not sure then you are fine, stop worrying about it. So yes, size matters but it works out so stop obsessing. We still enjoy it.

2-Stop telling us we look just as good without make-up. first, we know it's a lie. You either like us less or         more without it but it's not the same. We put a lot of money, time and effort into looking good and when you tell us it doesn't matter either way we lose motivation to look good and then you complain we let ourselves go. Admit it, you want us to look good, so say so, but DO let us know we are still attractive without make-up, even if not as much as with it, or tell us we look better but not the same. As for fat, always love us fat, even if you have to lie.

3-We know what you do. Yes, we do. You look at other women all the time. You think about sex with    them. You want to see or be in a 3-way. You want our sister/best friend. You fake orgasms and  know we do too. You watch/read porn...a lot....really. But you do worse things. You think we  look delicious but don't bother to tell us. You hesitate by the flower shop or the card store but  you keep walking.  You think about how much you love us at that moment but don't say it. See  the pattern? Think little things often, not big things occasionally. Little things are the best.

4-Do not hog the remote. You cannot imagine how much this annoys us. Not only do we feel "lucky" if we get to watch what we want to watch, but it is an overt power play on your part, some testosterone driven way of showing dominance over us and that really pisses us off.

5-NEVER tell us the following, even if we beg for honesty:

o   "You are not the prettiest girl I ever dated"

o   "You're being too emotional" or "It's just your period talking"

o   "She sure is hot"

o   "wow your sister /Mom/friend is hot"

o   "Your boobs are (too big, too small uneven...anything but perfect)"

o   "you are a good (cook, lover, shopper, massager) like my ex was"

o   how many sexual partners you have had and/or where we rank

6-We wonder 3 weeks prior if you will remember our birthday. Most anything else can be forgotten and           forgiven but not that...and your anniversary if you are married.

7-Never give her an important gift that looks like you picked it up at the last minute.  It doesn't matter   how expensive it is or if she even likes it but it has to look like you put thought into it. And if she  is not happy with thoughtful but inexpensive gifts  dump her, she is a bitch anyway. Small gifts mean the world. Guys you never do get this one. Pick us a flower. Grab those M&Ms we love at the check out. Surprise  us with a new spatula when we get mad our favorite one broke.  We  treasure these gifts more than anything because they show you are thinking about us, that you want us to smile, that you care. Again, if your GF is not like this she is a bitch, dump her.

                                               

8-Always defend your girlfriend/wife when someone is putting her down, hurting her  feelings, damaging her in any way. You don't have to pretend she is right when she is not, but   you do have to make her feel treasured and protected and guess what....YOU will feel great  about yourself when you do this. Chivalry is not dead, no matter how hard the 70's tried to kill  it.

9-Though this is number 9 this may be the most important one and the one you will have the hardest time mastering. Do not talk over top of us, ever ever ever. OK, knock down drag out fights sure,  scream at each other if you want but general conversation? Women are talked over by men in every part of society (I saw a male interviewer try to do that to Hilary Clinton!) and if you do  not do it she will notice and think you think she is the most important person in the world  to you. Men, do not under estimate the power of this one and the related number 10...

10-LISTEN to us. Okay? Do not HEAR us, listen to us. We know if you are or not. My husband is a rare     gem who has always listened to me and it makes me feel loved and respected and important. He will order pizza  with light sauce because he remembered I told him once sauce is not my thing.  He chose the white shirt over the yellow since he remembered I hate yellow...that my mother is a gardener, that in 9th grade I got beaten up...he listens to me like I listen to him and that  makes me feel precious.

11- Kiss us. Often. Well. Passionately. Like teenagers. We will be yours forever if we melt in your arms. You can do it, it's part of how you got us in the first place.

12- Find the common thread here. review these items and figure out what they all have in common. it's              really not that hard if you think about it.