The Sexes Pt. 1

NPR had a guest the other day who was born a man and spent 12 years teaching in a university before having  surgery to become a woman, after which he changed universities and taught as the woman he now is.

The point of the interview was to get the opinion of the way men and women are treated differently in society from someone who has experienced both worlds. The news was not good. As a man, students and teachers alike gave him much more respect , and more value was placed on his words and lectures than as a woman professor.  They even took more notes when he was a man teacher.

If you are a woman reading this I am sure you are not surprised, and if you are a man I do hope you are not rolling your eyes, telling us women we have it made and complain too much.

I usually let these things slide because I realize you cannot change a person's opinion on this issue. However, I now have a 16-year-old daughter (well ,step daughter but in my heart she and her brother are  mine) and this has become important to me. I want somehow to make her realize what the world is like without creating a man-hating, bitter bitch, as so many disillusioned  young women become. But most of all, I do not want her to fall into the "no boundaries" trap. Presently, the words "please" and "thank you" do not cross her lips enough, but as she gets older she may fall into the female trap of saying those words too much, along with apologizing for everything and always justifying her words or action if she thinks there is the slightest chance someone may disapprove. I know this sounds archaic, and many women are scoffing right now, saying we are strong and do not do that anymore but read the studies, there are dozens of them, stating that women still  believe their femininity is directly tied to how much they are liked, how little they rock the boat, and how emotional they are or aren't. Consequently we have 2 kinds of women: the ones I just described that, when taken to the extreme, are doormats, and the opposite, again extreme,the ball-busting feminists who hate men and any woman who wears a dress or heels. Most of us fall somewhere in-between but none of it is healthy.

It is my belief that many young women today do not know much about the plight we are in, and why should they? Pick up any history book and you will see, chapter after chapter, only a paragraph or two that includes women, and usually they simply describe their attire and their role as a homemaker, ignoring the family power dynamics because frankly it makes the men less than "kingly".

Here is the plain truth. Historically, women are the most consistently oppressed, abused and exploited humans on earth.  Some groups were enslaved by their own people. Some were treated relatively well (ancient Egypt) others savagely (America, both whites to blacks and Native Americans to Native Americans) but none, NONE on a nonstop, consistent basis like women were and are. Read that again, it is very important.

Now,  I could write a book on this topic. On how, while many cultures have been enslaved and abused, inside the master's home the females lived in quiet desperation. Certainly they had creature comforts, but their thoughts, opinions, feelings, ideas, dreams, indeed, their very humanity, were simply dismissed only because they were female and therefore were not as highly evolved as men.  Please don't misunderstand. I am not devaluing the horrors of slavery, whether it be Africans, Mexicans, Slavics (where the word "slave" derives from) or any group who was beaten and abused and had its freedom denied. I am saying there is silent suffering that goes on, and that has gone on, that refuses to be recognized where other groups of oppressed people have some sort f platform and are making progress, if more slowly than one would like. This silent oppression is particularly true for white women of European descent. Africans, Native Americans, even the Gypsy culture give women way more respect as equals (though not perfect) than European or American women.  And if you go far enough back you will see that most major religions were based on female deities.  Even in Christianity there is evidence in the unpublished books of the bible of the disciple Mary's influence on the group and as her power as a speaker and evangelical post resurrection. (Why do you think they are considered blasphemous?)

Read diaries by men from the beginning of time to say the 1960s and you will see this common thread running through them. Women were to be good mothers, child bearers(who were, during some eras, put to death if they did not bear a son, which we now know is the man's job), and were responsible for the running of the house. Female authors had to use masculine pen names in order to get published because a woman was thought too stupid to write, (and this goes on. Why do you think the author of the Harry Potter books is J.K. Rowling? The publishers were afraid her books would not sell if written by a female) even today ,only 18 women are CEOs of all the Fortune 500 companies...and THAT made big news because previously there were 16!  Women have always been blamed when they were raped or abused ,by stranger or husband. The few women who were recognized for their achievements in science or medicine were considered "masculine" or today "lesbians", as if you need to have some male attribute to be able to contribute meaningfully to society.

So let's jump to the good old days of the 1950's, where every pot had a chicken in it and the American economy was so good that post WWII women could quit their factory jobs and stay at home to raise the kids and keep the house. Utopia many say. Statistically? There was more depression, alcoholism and suicide among women during this time than ever recorded before (the first antidepressants came out in the late 1950s so the rate went down for women after that).  The more comfortable a man could make his wife the more social status he had, yet again, her opinions and feelings were considered frivolous and not to be taken seriously, to some degree or another. I am not saying this is a hard and fast rule, certainly there was equality in some marriages, I am talking trends and statistics here. Always there is an exception. Yet when push comes to shove, even today, most men pull the Man of the House card. Oh and those "feminine wiles" we are so famous for? It's called learning how to survive in a man's world, it is not some immature ploy to get a new bauble.

So the children of these depressed women grew up to be the hippies of the 60s and 70s - the bra burners. The protesters, free love, open sexuality, going back to work instead of being chained to the home. Equal at last. Really? Let's see. Who do you think benefits most from free swinging boobs and free love? The women  or the men?  How about working?  In 1969 women made 57 cents to every man's dollar for equal work.  By 1996 that figure had risen to 68 cents per every man's dollar and that was after legislation was passed to force wage equality!

 We still live by the double standard that if conflict arises the man is standing up for himself and is admired and the woman is being a bitch and probably has PMS...especially if she is coming out ahead in the conflict. So what has this "choice" done that we have? This choice to work or stay home (which is what "women's lib" was all about essentially, right?) has now created an economy where there is no more choice in most households. All things being equal, all recessions, politics and such aside, the fact is that by creating unnecessary two-income households we saw a huge jump in divorce and remarriage rates and, now that the economy has adjusted to this extra household income, we are forced to have two incomes ; economically 2 incomes is no longer a luxury it has become, by its very proliferation, mandatory.  Gone are the days where, if you had a good job you could afford a modest house,  a stay at home wife, a car and a couple kids. Now here is the rub. Even though women work the same hours as men and for less money AND in less prestigious careers, the woman is still expected to do all the cooking, cleaning and child rearing ,as she was when she did not work outside the home.  If you do not believe me google it, you will find more data than you can process supporting this. How many women out there have said a million times at 5pm "well, time to go home to my other job" and fall into bed five hours before she has to get up again, after folding the wash at 11pm that night?  This plight, of exhaustion , expectations and unappreciation is standard conversation among women, be they friends or strangers. As for husbands/significant others, their roles vary. Some share equally in the household chores (though I dare you to find a woman who has one of those and if she does she will tell you he feels he is "helping her out" instead of taking half the responsibility for the house and the kids himself, inferring that inherently it is her job)others expect you to  wait on them and don't even know where the dishes are in the kitchen, and of course everything in-between.

So let's take stock here. We have 52% of the world's population being treated unfairly by 48% of the remaining population. We have overworked, tired, unfulfilled women who have been raised by society to feel they have to work, raise kids, keep a home, host parties and do it all in heels and make-up and be happy about it all. The reality is we have unfulfilled, resentful, exhausted working mothers who also are expected to always be friendly, say "yes" to every request, put themselves last and say "please", "thank you" and "sorry" way too often.  Currently, we are expected to work outside the home, expected to run everything  and basically expected to do both jobs...homemaker and career woman...that 30 years ago was presented as a choice of one or the other. Oh I forgot to mention we all have to look 20 years younger than we are and weigh 30 pounds less than we do

 I do not blame men for most of this. These unrealistic expectations are created and perpetuated by WOMEN. Yes ladies, I blame US for this.  Men are quite simple and easy to read. Either they want you to stay home, they want you to work, they want you to do whichever you want to do, or they want you to do both. Now the ones that want both had better be helping out big time, but in general you do not see men forcing us women to do things we think are expected of our gender. WE demand we weight 120 pounds, WE demand we are mother of the year and have a career at the same time. WE do not set boundaries in our lives, take care of ourselves first (which every man and child does naturally). Cosmopolitan Magazine, in my opinion, is the most damaging publication for women ever created. Next time you get a chance to read a copy, if you are a woman,  I dare you not to feel completely  inadequate in bed, at the office, in the kitchen, hell at anything for that matter. Its women based ideas and publications/media that are loading us up with these unrealistic expectations. Consequently, because we are expected to do it all and do it all well, we either excel at one thing and the rest gets left by the wayside or we try to juggle everything equally and nothing is done right. It is humanly impossible to live up to what society (read our female peer group) expects of us so we feel inadequate, unworthy, less-than...you name it. There is a reason that  3/4 of  prescribed antidepressants and tranquilizers  in America are for women, and this doesn't include those that self medicate with alcohol or illegal drugs only.

So what is the answer here? I don't know, if it were that easy it would have been done, but I do have some ideas.

First, let's ask our men, be they spouse, lover, brother, father, boss or friend...what really do you want? Be specific. think of it as a sociological experiment. My guess is that they will tell you they want  the women around them to be happy, to be fulfilled, to be loving  yet strong, the yin to their yang, all of which come naturally to us. They don't want an exhausted bitchy female.

Then let's get off each other's cases. Most men I know like me way better with a curvy figure than when I was Twiggy, yet every woman I know thinks I am fat. Most men not only don't care if the house is not immaculate, they don't even notice, yet Nosy Neighbor comes over and she will see any tiny crevice dirt. We are doing this to ourselves at this point ladies, and until we stop the competing, stop the judging and the coveting, we cannot begin the transformation that men need to understand where we are coming from and how to please us, which they want to do way more than we give them credit for.

Also, set boundaries. Say yes when you mean it and no if you don't. Do not allow anyone to make you uncomfortable in any way or guilt you into social obligations if you do not want to participate. This is your life, who cares if everyone doesn't adore you, yet consequently more will if you have set limits. Men live like this and are respected for it and if we stop apologizing for breathing or for asking for extra dressing on the side we too will be respected for it, but until we all set limits and boundaries and praise each other for it than we are doomed. The sad thing is I hear the word "bitch" come out of a woman's mouth way more often than out of a man's.

I was hoping that by the time I hit this age I would not be talked over by a man, not have PMS tossed at me when I am angry, not be dismissed or ridiculed when I speak to a man of matters which are over his head just to save his ego, but it still happens.

So back to where I started. How do I teach these things to my daughter? My only answer to that is by example and perhaps if we all teach our children by example not only will they have less Zanax in their cabinets, but maybe we will too.

My Real Life Ghost Hunt

my photo from the Charleston Dungeon tour
This week I was fortunate enough to be on vacation with my dear friends Dawn and her husband Bill (I changed their names to keep their privacy).

 Dawn is a psychic and has been on about every ghost tour around. She and Bill invited us to go on vacation with them this year and we chose Charleston, SC. Besides the normal shopping and dining out we took a few ghost tours and paid to be part of a ghost hunt.

Before the ghost hunt (which was from midnight to 2AM) we took the regular tour to get an idea of the history of the place. Google Old Charleston Jail for more information, but suffice to say this is a very bad place, whether you believe in ghosts or not. To begin with, the entire city of Charleston is built over dead people. They just dumped bodies for hundreds of years into the water and then eventually dredged up the dirt from the river and built on it. Occasionally they even find bones during construction. But as far as the jail goes, in a nut shell, it was used to house local criminals, civil war prisoners and runaway slaves (to be punished severely for their "crime"). This was not a place of rehabilitation, this was a place of torture and death. If you went to this jail you went there to die.

If you are ever in Charleston I highly recommend you go to Bulldog Tours and ask for Braxton to be your guild. He is a writer and actor so he tells a fabulous story and is very knowledgeable about the area. Smart and nerdy, I of course panted at his heels the whole time.

The tour was interesting. It was dark and flashlights were needed as the steps were not even and the place is metal on the inside with many odd corners and ironwork. Not your typical jail, most of it is made up of rooms instead of small cells. You may have seen it since every ghost show on TV has investigated it and deemed it haunted. Use of ghost hunting equipment and cameras were encouraged and Braxton brought and EMF detector.

After the tour, the 11 of us who had paid extra for the hunt stayed behind. Braxton took us to one room and pulled out his EMF detector. For those that do not know, this stands for Electromagnetic Field. All electric wires give off this field, at least the older ones, and the device is used to find major leaks in homes which can have physical effects on people. For ghost hunting purposes, after determining there are no EMF sources in the vicinity, they are used to communicate with spirits. No one knows exactly how, but the spirits can make the lights blink on these detectors, so you can have a real time yes and no question and answer session with them. If you have ever watched a ghost hunting show you know what they are but to see one in real life and watch it answer your questions, well that is a completely different thing. The only other equipment there was a tape recorder our friends had brought. I await their full results, though I did hear a response on playback right there on the spot (it was very short but clear and I cannot recall what it said but nothing nefarious). I had a camera and got a lot of "orbs" but since I do not believe orbs are anything but dust or bugs then I have to report I got nothing on film.

Back to real-time hunting. After the initial talk, Braxton told us we could split up into groups. Anyone who knows me knows this was my queue to boogie out and away from everyone else as fast as I could. I went up and down halls and through doors, around corners and into dead ends. Mark was with me most of the time and though I "felt" nothing, he felt quite uneasy and queasy, something we would find out later 3 others felt as well.

At one point another "hunter' popped out of nowhere (and scared the bejeebers out of me). He was lost and looked scared so I invited him to join me and Mark, where shortly after we found the best room in the place...the one with the air conditioning! I live in Florida and I will tell you my time in Charleston was miserable as far as the weather goes, even for a Floridian. Hot, sticky, not a breeze to be found, how anyone in colonial times wore layers and layers of clothing is beyond me. No wonder they all fainted!

As we sat there cooling off the door creaked open and it was Braxton, requesting we rejoin the group. I recall him taking us to a room where people were severely tortured. Ropes hung from the ceiling and you were tied to them and whipped mercilessly, each slap of the whip slicing through your skin to the flesh. Whipping is not like you see on TV, where a bit of blood oozes out, it is a brutal practice and most who are doomed to "40 lashes" do not survive it. While in this room I felt a profound sadness so I left the room but that did not help, it got worse and I felt the entire weight of the place emotionally on me, like I was drowning in the sorrow. I did not get a sense of hate or evil or anger there (though there are known psychopaths who died there) I only felt the sadness and desperation of the people who were once there. I actually began to cry a bit. Being alone was not helping so I made my way back to the group who were still in this room. They were doing an EVP "session" and each time the lights on the device went on I felt a mild breeze pass by me where I had found a comfy spot in the doorway. Not your typical cold spot, but like someone passing by me very closely, yet no one was there. It was then that I noticed an open window so I had to dismiss the breeze. My personal rule for ghost hunting states that if there is any possible natural explanation, no matter how remote, that is the one you must go with. Yet it till kept happening...the lights went on on the EMF and I felt this breeze at the same time. I followed it out the door. I followed it a few feet down the hall. It was very dark but I did not want to scare it away with my flashlight. Farther and farther down the empty dark hall I meandered, following this fleeting breeze and hearing the voices of the group grow fainter as I made my way to the belly of the building. I have never been afraid of ghosts (I have encountered spirits before) but I have never felt compelled like I did here. The next thing I know Braxton is hollering down the hall at me, "Where are you going?" Guiltily, I told him I was following this breeze and he replied," Please come back. It has been known to do this. It is luring you away from the group. It is trying to isolate you. Come back in here with us". This started me out of a mild trance I did not realize I was in and I scooted back to the group, cursing the crafty spirit, and myself, under my breath. I know better than this! When I got back to the room Mark was leaning over, ashen, and said he felt the nausea again.

Later in  the tour, Dawn was sitting on the steps (she was having back pains the whole week so she had to sit once in a while) and as we were doing more EVPs she cried out "stop touching me!" and told our shocked faces that something was tugging on her shirt.

After some very interesting (but horrifying and sad) history,  many cool spots (we would enter a room and there would be a cold spot that immediately left as soon as we got there) the tour was over. I asked Bill if he felt anything but he refused to talk about it. I did not push him but the next day he offered his experience...at one point he felt like someone had punched him in the stomach, enough to double him over. Bill is a brave man in my book. If that would have happened to me I would have been out of there! After the tour, while comparing notes, there were several people who, during the hunt, were fine but then would suddenly get a chill accompanied by a creepy feeling, like they were being watched or followed, and at least 3 others besides Mark were ill, a common occurrence when there is a nasty spirit present.

A real ghost hunt is a bit different than I had expected. For one, I thought we would have frightened people, or even hyper vigilant ones, but everyone was calm and tried to be as cooperative as they could. At the end while in the courtyard a cute couple came up, the girl had to be under 20, and she got all wide eyed and amazed when she realized we had done the ghost hunt, saying she would never be able to do that. I think she could. When you are with a group and you have a guide you can have faith in, even the biggest chicken would feel safe I believe. It is also different from the "professionals" in other ways. Professionals are part of a team, a group who is used to working together, whereas we were just a rag tag group who all happened to pay for the same hunt. Therefore, people whispered during the EVP sessions (Electronic Voice Phenomena) so the recordings are practically useless, and everyone who took a photo of an "orb" did not realize it was dust (orbs are actually very rare and look nothing like what most of us know as orbs, which are really just close ups of dust particles lit up by the flash). In a real hunt you also cannot have others just meandering around the place because they will contaminate your evidence. At the least, if you do have wanderers you should have some means of communication with each other.

This ghost hunt was five days ago and I spoke to Dawn yesterday. She asked me why I left my body wash in the bathroom...which I did NOT do. I specifically recall emptying out that entire closet and this was a big bottle, I could not have over looked it. Yet there it was, in her cabinet, in a position I never would have left it in, and anyway I am sure I packed it . She said that things have been disappearing and reappearing in odd places since all these tours we took. Usually that can be chalked up to forgetfulness but when you find your keys in the oven and you don't have Alzheimer's it does make one wonder....

If you find yourself in the Charleston area do yourself a favor and book a Bulldog tour and ask that Braxton Williams be your guide. You will have a wonderful time and see Old Charleston in a new light. I went on The Haunted Jail Tour and the Jail Ghost Hunt and the Ghost and Dungeon Walking Tour but I have heard all but the Dark Side of Charleston are good (and the Cemetery tour only shows one cemetery). Please check out their website, if nothing else the writing is a hoot. http://bulldogtours.com/. Oh and please tip your guide.