Light!

Recently, a friend showed me a wonderful “secret” that has been happening probably for a decade in this one tiny Florida hamlet. One Christmas a gentleman loaded his bow and arrow with Christmas lights and shot them up into a tree. The effect was so festive he did it to his whole yard and volunteered his services to all his neighbors, who accepted gratefully.

 

Today, it is not really known whether he still decorates everyone’s trees or if he has taught them to do it themselves, but the effect is breathtaking and I only wish these photos could do it justice.

Christmas is a time when we all feel more connected to our fellow man (unless we are at a blow-out sale at Target then its every man for himself) and the fact that everyone pulls together in this neighborhood to decorate it for the season is visual proof of the sense of community here.

Since these photos were taken at night they are not the clearest, but please remember that all the vertical lights are the ones shot up into the trees. These lights go around corners and bends, from one block to the next. Quite impressive.

Television

When I was a kid TV was my life. I was quiet and nerdy and did not have many friends, plus we moved around a lot so TV was the only stable companion I had. I knew every show on all 5 networks and did pretty well without a remote or any type of recording device. TV Guide was my Bible.
Now I find TV more irritating than pleasurable in general. I don’t know if it is a function of age, but I only really enjoy a handful of shows and all of them are non-fiction.

So I have compiled a list of the ten most irritating things about TV. I did not go into specific shows because not only am I not familiar with the bulk of what is out there, but even the shows I do know would take up too much room to evaluate. These are also in no particular order.
You will notice that some form of advertising makes up most of this list. I think most of you will agree ads are out of control. If you don’t, or if you have your own pet peeves, please share, bitchery loves company.

Number One: Icons on the Bottom of The Screen.

You know what I mean, they started out as these tiny little logos on the bottom right of the screen and have gradually turned into these animated shorts, TV characters walking across your screen and turning quickly, brandishing a gun at the unseen bad guy, then turning to the camera with a rugged yet boyish expression. These ads now take up almost a third of the screen…a THIRD! And many times when I am watching a program with subtitles I miss a lot since these little ads/movies can go on for quite a while. When they are finally finished you are still left with the small station logo in the corner. Today I watched a show and durning the entire episode the bottom right corner had the stations logo, the title of one of their shows, and the time and date of it’s next airing. I simply want to watch the show I have on at the moment, I will find your other show later, if I am interested.

Number Two: Ads for Other Shows During Commercial Breaks.

Commercial breaks are annoying, but understandable on network TV since they have to pay the bills like everyone else. But to subject us to a 30 second commercial about another one of their shows? No, sorry, I already saw that commercial on the bottom third of my screen during the last show I was watching. (See Number One) Enough already.

Number Three: Vomit and Needles.

Used to be you could rest assured that foul language and partial nudity would not be heard or seen on TV and so your small kids were safe watching it. Well we have all abandoned that notion by now, but the latest disturbing trend I see is vomit and needles. Before, the guy would bend over and you would hear vomiting sounds but the camera would be on his buddy who was watching him, appropriate grimaces crossing his face. You got the idea from his buddy’s expressions, the guy was sick. Now we are treated to all manner of substances coming out of the vomiter, making me want to vomit myself. The other annoyance is the needle stick. Again, they used to pan in real close just to the millisecond before the needle penetrated the skin and then cut away, but now, whether it is blood being drawn or heroine being injected, we get to see the whole thing. I cannot even watch my own blood being drawn and my father is probably passed out right now from just reading this part. There is no need for any of this. They can’t say any more bad words than they already do, they can’t show a naked body, so they go for the gross out shock instead. Personally, give me “shit” and a boob and I am much happier than vomit and a needle stick.

Number Four: Commercials On Cable.

I will never forget the first time I saw a commercial on cable. It was on MTV in the 1980’s and I felt like the colonies did 200 years ago when they were double taxed on tea (and no letters if my history here is wrong. As an American it is my God Given Right to remember US history as it fits my agenda; just ask any Tea Party member. ) Why was I PAYING for TV and still being subjected to commercials? That’s double-dipping, that’s extortion, that’s Captialism at its best folks.

Number Five: News Anchors With Face But No Brains.

When I was a kid and we all had to walk 261 miles to school in 14 feet of snow, barefoot and in bikinis, The man who read me the news at night more than likely also wrote the story and sometimes was even there on the scene. The guy giving me the weather had gone to college to become a Meteorologist, not modeling school. They sometimes had real reporters in the trenches during the Viet Nam war, reporting as they sat side by side with our boys. There was a realism there that current reporters lack (with a few exceptions, Anderson Cooper comes to mind) This current batch of reporters are usually speaking to me 5 feet from a waiting escape helicopter on top of a building 10 miles from the closets gunfire. And they choose these guys and gals that have some sort of accent, usually British, to make it feel more dangerous or international or something. When was the last time you saw an ugly newscaster? Don’t you just know in the back of your minds that this woman did not get her degree in journalism but probably got a scholarship in communications for winning the Miss Georgia Peach contest? And this runs into

Number Six: Documentaries and Newscasts that Mispronounce Words.

Okay all you Botoxed chuckleheads, look up the pronunciation of these words before you go on the air again:
Extraordinary
Nuclear
Electoral
Affidavit
Candidate
Federal

The list goes on and on (I keep a notebook) and for the love of Pete STOP saying “gone missing”, you sound like someone with no teeth sporting a banjo and a sixth toe. Oh and if you do not own a rebel flag then please, the plural of beer, in polite society, is still beer, no “s”. I don’t care what Webster says.

Number Seven: Longer Commercial Breaks

TV used to be the best friend of the insomniac. Until that American flag popped up on the screen and the national anthem began to play (signaling the station was signing off for you whipper snappers) you could find some great old movie or a few old sitcoms until dawn. They may not have been the best in programming, but it was better than no noise at all in the wee hours of the loneliness. Now we are fed repeated shows and infomercials that yes folks, we pay for. Example: Wednesday night on SyFy Channel (and they spell it like that now because the patent office would not let them own the phrase Sci-Fi) 8pm is last week’s episode of Ghost Hunters. 9pm is the new episode of Ghost Hunters, 10pm is some new show, 11pm is a re-run of the 9pm Ghost hunters that just aired. Midnight to 2am is a movie and 2am to 6am (sometimes even 8am) are info-mercials. Half hour commercials (that we pay for in our cable bill) for beauty creams, kitchen gadgets, exercise equipment, diet pills, you name it. Has-been B-list celebrities who spent their fortune on plastic surgery trying to recoup their retirement peddling youth in a jar, health in a pill, or the lovely jewelry they designed that usually looks like my jewelry after I accidentally drop it down the garbage disposal.

Number Eight: All Night Info-mercials.

Thanks, in part, to some of The Gipper’s famous deregulations, we now get 3 hour movies on TV that took me only 1:44 to watch in the theater. Your 30 minute sitcom is now only 18 minutes of program on some networks, a full 20 on others. Now a commercial break allows me to not only run to the bathroom, but I can scrub and re-caulk it as well.


Number Nine: Unnecessary Subtitles.

 We are not stupid. We can understand English when spoken with one of the bazillion dialects in this country. We are a nation of immigrants so yes, we understand your Greek, Italian, Persian, Haitian, Creole, Russian, African American accents, we don’t need subtitles! Just look at this map of dialects in the US, and it is not even finished yet and does not include the 8 I found in England nor the other places that speak English like Australia and Canada. http://aschmann.net/AmEng/#SmallMapUnitedStates

And this guy does it for fun! If you google all this you get tons of info from Wikipedia to University studies. I can’t tell you how annoying it is to have distracting subtitles at the bottom of the screen when the guy speaking is from Jersey for cryin-out-loud…WE UNDERSTAND HIM!

Number Ten: Commercials on PBS

 Yes, PBS has commercials and they are liars when they say otherwise. Sit down to watch a show on PBS and you will hear “Masterpiece Theater is brought to you in part by people like you… and Chevrolet, Like a Rock ” then you get to see a 30 second Chevy truck commercial. I keep my blood pressure down by thinking that at least they do not interrupt the shows, but today I read an article that says PBS is now contemplating putting these “sponsor recognitions” in the middle of the shows as well. So basically say bye bye to PBS. Oh and they better say MY name during these “sponsor recognitions”, my buck counts too.
So there you have it. I felt the need to rant about something and since Sarah Palin, my favorite target, has ben quiet lately I chose TV. I almost went after Crazy Eyes herself (Michele Bachmann) but decided that my true nemesis is Sarah and I am going to keep it that way.
Oh and one last thing. Usually I do some kind of remembrance for friends who have lost their pets. This is a little less and a little late but please say a prayer for Holly who was murdered by someone she trusted. We love you Holly, we are sorry we could not save you, but you will always be in our hearts.