For the Lounge's Language Lovers

This was too good not to post:

Subject: Washington Post article Mensa Invitational

Subject: Mensa Invitational

Here are the winners of the Washington Post's annual Mensa Invitational, which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.


Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the Person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.



The Post also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:

Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms

Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

Circumvent, . An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

What Happened to Christmas?

Okay, so this is a topic done to death this time of year, but as usual I need to put my two cents in. I will keep it short.

At what point was a book replaced with a Kindle as an appropriate gift? When was the personal gift of perfume or jewelry deemed not enough, but a flat-screen TV or a laptop was? And I would really like to know where the automakers got the kahunas to peddle the idea that a Lexus makes an appropriate gift?

To me, this obscene consumerism at Christmas is soul damaging. It sends a message, one that we live out, that says that we can make up for the lack of thought behind a gift by upping its monetary value.

A Kindle is impressive. It costs a couple hundred dollars, it is the latest cool gadget for readers (and bookworms rarely have cool gadgets) and all you have to do is log onto your computer, get out the credit card and it is done. One more name to cross off the list. Even though you can get a book online as well, you have to think about the person, get inside their heads for a minute and then match a book to their personality. You have to put some time and effort into a book as a gift, and yet it costs so little compared to a Kindle. (Santa alert! This does NOT mean the author would turn down a Kindle…we must be gracious after all).

I received a perfect example of this from my Aunt and Uncle this year. My uncle and I talk on and off in fits and starts through the year, and stopped exchanging gifts decades ago, which is fine for all involved. This year they broke tradition. They know the struggles we have faced these past couple years, so they sent us a gift certificate to a restaurant with a card that said they too had struggled as we are now, and they remember how nice it was for them when they could go out to eat and feel “normal” again for a while, so they gave that gift of normalcy to us. Now that is a Christmas gift.

We all know how hurried and stressful life has become. This is why we buy the big-ticket gifts; we simply do not have the time to really shop. But what about the traditions? Certainly we need to bring those back again.

Whatever happened to Christmas caroling? Cookie exchanges? Real trees?

I have probably the worst singing voice on the planet. I have heard anemic cats more melodious than myself. But I was a caroler for many years, first in Girl Scouts, then with kids in the neighborhood. Even when I was “really cool” in high school I still managed to find a group to carol with. Caroling puts the world on hold for a few hours, and makes strangers your friends. You cannot sing with a person in the freezing cold for 4 hours and not bond with them. And to receive a cup of hot chocolate from a neighbor you barely wave to the rest of the year…it makes us all a family for a while.

I think everyone has at least one vivid memory of the Live Christmas Tree ritual. It has to be done on the coldest night of the year and very close to Christmas so you have to really hunt for a decent tree, and you must have a substantial number of other last-minute tree shoppers to knock elbows with. But oh, once you wrestle it in the house and the smell of fresh pine permeates everything, you are happy you spent half a week’s salary on a tree for the inside of the house (only the German’s… that’s all I will say).

Yes, there are big gifts I remember to this day. My father brought home matching black and white televisions for my sister and me when we were kids, much to my mother’s irritation. My mother bought me my first “boom box”. It was $200, a fortune in the late 70’s, and now the same one would be $9.99 at the drug store. But back then, wow, I was all grown up with my cassette deck and mammoth ear engulfing headphones (padded and everything!). The first 2-wheeled bike was a huge one too. Bright red with a banana seat, tons of reflectors and a dozen brightly colored streamers coming from each handle. Oh, and a basket, a bell and even a headlight! Best part? No helmet!

There is nothing wrong with buying expensive gifts for people, if it warms your heart and you can easily afford it. But no matter the price, please remember that a Christmas gift, like everything else in life, will be remember for the sentiment behind it.

Merry Merry Ya’all!