Sometimes, just a simple question can be a loaded time bomb.
Tonight I had to decided whether to pull the pin or leave that particular
grenade alone.
I pulled the pin.
My lovely 17-year-old
is spending the end of the summer with us so she is here every night.
She has been dating a boy that has caused her some angst; some his doing, some
not.
While in her mis-matched jammies, towel turban over her wet head
and toothbrush in hand, she turned and casually asked me, "When you and my
dad were first going out, was he all romantic and attentive at first and then stopped? Did he do less after a
while but act like it was the world? Because that is what (boyfriend) is doing,
is this normal?"
Yikes. That is a much bigger question than she realized. Do
I tell her the truth, or do I lie to save her feelings? And if I do tell her
the truth, how much of it do I explain? My answer turned out to be simple and
the chicken's way out. "Yes, he did the same. He was very romantic at
first but after a while it diminished greatly and now, like you are feeling, I
miss it a bit. But Honey ALL relationships are like that, it is part of the
evolution of an intimate relationship, it gets even better after this."
And I went to bed.
Lame, lame, lame! That is all I could think of. I told her a
half truth that could have made it worse, maybe better, but I did not get the
soap box out like I wanted to. I wanted
to save her a lifetime of hurt and disappointment. I wanted to tell her every
show, every movie, every song, every
myth, every love story is a lie geared to play to our yearnings for eternal
romance. I call the whole mess of it Romanceland. In Romanceland people fall in love quickly,
deeply, romantically and then they get married and either it ends there,
implying that it just keeps getting better, or keeps going and they hit a few
rough spots after a couple of kids but they manage to rekindle that romance
completely with one dinner, a few flashbacks, and its back to Romanceland.
Bull.
I wanted to sit her down and tell her the reality of it, to
save her the disappointment and heartache that can
When you date and the rush of chemicals in your body finally
subsides, the romance will die down quite a bit, sometimes completely. If you
have something real, it will mellow and deepen into a friendship that grows
into love and keeps growing. It will be
a place where you feel you belong, where you can be you, where make-up doesn't
matter. Where you are safe and happy and fulfilled and yet still a bit excited.
Maybe not every day, but most of the time. Love needs to be nurtured and worked
on all the time, a never ending project, but the outcome is a life, a family,
roots, happiness, REAL happiness.
On the other hand, when the chemicals subside and you do not
have that core intimacy, you part ways, the end. I f you are older and happen
to have gotten married and/or have kids, it can be a heartbreaking, scar-making
experience, so decide wisely.
The problem is that we are conditioned (and for women I believe
a lot of it is just in out nature, sorry feminists) to believe that the romance
stage IS the love, so when the romance wears off, we are no longer loved. How
many times do you think the average person does this before they find real
love? Think about this and realize that every time this happens it's like being
told we are no longer loved or, therefore, loveable. To us, some invisible fatal
flaw has been realized or shown itself and boom it is over, the love is gone.
How many times does this happen before we give up on "love" and think
we are damaged humans somehow and cannot be loved? How many people developed
eating disorders, depression, even become suicidal, because they simply do not
know what real love is and think Romanceland is 'It"? (I know so many adults, especially men, my
age who use every excuse in the book; I love being alone. Women are nuts. You
ALWAYS get hurt so why bother. One even said it was too expensive to be in
love! It is so transparent that they really are just too scared, too hurt to be
rejected again. In the name of "freedom" they have built themselves a
safe little cage).
How do I get through to a blossoming young woman that she is
perfect as she is, that the romance part is the fun part, but it is not the
real part, and that when it ends, that ending means no more than something has
run its inevitable course? It does not means YOU are not good enough, the
RELATIONSHIP was not good enough.
I wanted to tell her that outside of Romanceland you find
the one person you can count on, the one person you love deeply, who loves and
respects you as much as you do them. The one where the romance is really, truly
felt from the heart. The person you care for so much you want to make little
people with, and when those little people become too much and you find
yourselves fighting and hating and your sex life and love life are gone, that
you fight even harder and you MAKE it work. Unlike Romanceland, you do not fix
it with a vacation to the Bahamas and a
bottle of wine, you fight within it. You talk, you cry, you love and hate until
you come out of the other side of hell and you are stronger and better than
ever as a couple. Then when the
"You are not going to marry this boy" I so want to
tell her. "You are probably going to break up before graduation" I
wanted to prognosticate. The signs are all there, to those that have bought
many tickets to Romanceland. "You will cry. You will feel lost, like part of you is gone, but you will survive"
I wanted to tell her. And if she is lucky, if she is wise and if she listens to
me, she will buy another ticket to Romanceland and get her hand stamped on
entry so she can return the next day, knowing that she will have to revisit it
quite a few times in her life before she is finished with it. Ah, but with the
right choice by her side Romanceland is child's play compared to what Real Life
romance is like.
Until then, cry, I will be here. Listen to my advice. You
won't, but try. Remember you are loveable to us and to boys. Love comes in many
forms and yes, I do believe you are in love with him and he with you. But
again, this is Romanceland, made of dreams and hopes and cardboard.
In a few years you will drive past Real Life and stop by for
some lunch...and that is when the real fun begins.
...and I cant's wait t see you there.
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