The Sexes Pt. 1

NPR had a guest the other day who was born a man and spent 12 years teaching in a university before having  surgery to become a woman, after which he changed universities and taught as the woman he now is.

The point of the interview was to get the opinion of the way men and women are treated differently in society from someone who has experienced both worlds. The news was not good. As a man, students and teachers alike gave him much more respect , and more value was placed on his words and lectures than as a woman professor.  They even took more notes when he was a man teacher.

If you are a woman reading this I am sure you are not surprised, and if you are a man I do hope you are not rolling your eyes, telling us women we have it made and complain too much.

I usually let these things slide because I realize you cannot change a person's opinion on this issue. However, I now have a 16-year-old daughter (well ,step daughter but in my heart she and her brother are  mine) and this has become important to me. I want somehow to make her realize what the world is like without creating a man-hating, bitter bitch, as so many disillusioned  young women become. But most of all, I do not want her to fall into the "no boundaries" trap. Presently, the words "please" and "thank you" do not cross her lips enough, but as she gets older she may fall into the female trap of saying those words too much, along with apologizing for everything and always justifying her words or action if she thinks there is the slightest chance someone may disapprove. I know this sounds archaic, and many women are scoffing right now, saying we are strong and do not do that anymore but read the studies, there are dozens of them, stating that women still  believe their femininity is directly tied to how much they are liked, how little they rock the boat, and how emotional they are or aren't. Consequently we have 2 kinds of women: the ones I just described that, when taken to the extreme, are doormats, and the opposite, again extreme,the ball-busting feminists who hate men and any woman who wears a dress or heels. Most of us fall somewhere in-between but none of it is healthy.

It is my belief that many young women today do not know much about the plight we are in, and why should they? Pick up any history book and you will see, chapter after chapter, only a paragraph or two that includes women, and usually they simply describe their attire and their role as a homemaker, ignoring the family power dynamics because frankly it makes the men less than "kingly".

Here is the plain truth. Historically, women are the most consistently oppressed, abused and exploited humans on earth.  Some groups were enslaved by their own people. Some were treated relatively well (ancient Egypt) others savagely (America, both whites to blacks and Native Americans to Native Americans) but none, NONE on a nonstop, consistent basis like women were and are. Read that again, it is very important.

Now,  I could write a book on this topic. On how, while many cultures have been enslaved and abused, inside the master's home the females lived in quiet desperation. Certainly they had creature comforts, but their thoughts, opinions, feelings, ideas, dreams, indeed, their very humanity, were simply dismissed only because they were female and therefore were not as highly evolved as men.  Please don't misunderstand. I am not devaluing the horrors of slavery, whether it be Africans, Mexicans, Slavics (where the word "slave" derives from) or any group who was beaten and abused and had its freedom denied. I am saying there is silent suffering that goes on, and that has gone on, that refuses to be recognized where other groups of oppressed people have some sort f platform and are making progress, if more slowly than one would like. This silent oppression is particularly true for white women of European descent. Africans, Native Americans, even the Gypsy culture give women way more respect as equals (though not perfect) than European or American women.  And if you go far enough back you will see that most major religions were based on female deities.  Even in Christianity there is evidence in the unpublished books of the bible of the disciple Mary's influence on the group and as her power as a speaker and evangelical post resurrection. (Why do you think they are considered blasphemous?)

Read diaries by men from the beginning of time to say the 1960s and you will see this common thread running through them. Women were to be good mothers, child bearers(who were, during some eras, put to death if they did not bear a son, which we now know is the man's job), and were responsible for the running of the house. Female authors had to use masculine pen names in order to get published because a woman was thought too stupid to write, (and this goes on. Why do you think the author of the Harry Potter books is J.K. Rowling? The publishers were afraid her books would not sell if written by a female) even today ,only 18 women are CEOs of all the Fortune 500 companies...and THAT made big news because previously there were 16!  Women have always been blamed when they were raped or abused ,by stranger or husband. The few women who were recognized for their achievements in science or medicine were considered "masculine" or today "lesbians", as if you need to have some male attribute to be able to contribute meaningfully to society.

So let's jump to the good old days of the 1950's, where every pot had a chicken in it and the American economy was so good that post WWII women could quit their factory jobs and stay at home to raise the kids and keep the house. Utopia many say. Statistically? There was more depression, alcoholism and suicide among women during this time than ever recorded before (the first antidepressants came out in the late 1950s so the rate went down for women after that).  The more comfortable a man could make his wife the more social status he had, yet again, her opinions and feelings were considered frivolous and not to be taken seriously, to some degree or another. I am not saying this is a hard and fast rule, certainly there was equality in some marriages, I am talking trends and statistics here. Always there is an exception. Yet when push comes to shove, even today, most men pull the Man of the House card. Oh and those "feminine wiles" we are so famous for? It's called learning how to survive in a man's world, it is not some immature ploy to get a new bauble.

So the children of these depressed women grew up to be the hippies of the 60s and 70s - the bra burners. The protesters, free love, open sexuality, going back to work instead of being chained to the home. Equal at last. Really? Let's see. Who do you think benefits most from free swinging boobs and free love? The women  or the men?  How about working?  In 1969 women made 57 cents to every man's dollar for equal work.  By 1996 that figure had risen to 68 cents per every man's dollar and that was after legislation was passed to force wage equality!

 We still live by the double standard that if conflict arises the man is standing up for himself and is admired and the woman is being a bitch and probably has PMS...especially if she is coming out ahead in the conflict. So what has this "choice" done that we have? This choice to work or stay home (which is what "women's lib" was all about essentially, right?) has now created an economy where there is no more choice in most households. All things being equal, all recessions, politics and such aside, the fact is that by creating unnecessary two-income households we saw a huge jump in divorce and remarriage rates and, now that the economy has adjusted to this extra household income, we are forced to have two incomes ; economically 2 incomes is no longer a luxury it has become, by its very proliferation, mandatory.  Gone are the days where, if you had a good job you could afford a modest house,  a stay at home wife, a car and a couple kids. Now here is the rub. Even though women work the same hours as men and for less money AND in less prestigious careers, the woman is still expected to do all the cooking, cleaning and child rearing ,as she was when she did not work outside the home.  If you do not believe me google it, you will find more data than you can process supporting this. How many women out there have said a million times at 5pm "well, time to go home to my other job" and fall into bed five hours before she has to get up again, after folding the wash at 11pm that night?  This plight, of exhaustion , expectations and unappreciation is standard conversation among women, be they friends or strangers. As for husbands/significant others, their roles vary. Some share equally in the household chores (though I dare you to find a woman who has one of those and if she does she will tell you he feels he is "helping her out" instead of taking half the responsibility for the house and the kids himself, inferring that inherently it is her job)others expect you to  wait on them and don't even know where the dishes are in the kitchen, and of course everything in-between.

So let's take stock here. We have 52% of the world's population being treated unfairly by 48% of the remaining population. We have overworked, tired, unfulfilled women who have been raised by society to feel they have to work, raise kids, keep a home, host parties and do it all in heels and make-up and be happy about it all. The reality is we have unfulfilled, resentful, exhausted working mothers who also are expected to always be friendly, say "yes" to every request, put themselves last and say "please", "thank you" and "sorry" way too often.  Currently, we are expected to work outside the home, expected to run everything  and basically expected to do both jobs...homemaker and career woman...that 30 years ago was presented as a choice of one or the other. Oh I forgot to mention we all have to look 20 years younger than we are and weigh 30 pounds less than we do

 I do not blame men for most of this. These unrealistic expectations are created and perpetuated by WOMEN. Yes ladies, I blame US for this.  Men are quite simple and easy to read. Either they want you to stay home, they want you to work, they want you to do whichever you want to do, or they want you to do both. Now the ones that want both had better be helping out big time, but in general you do not see men forcing us women to do things we think are expected of our gender. WE demand we weight 120 pounds, WE demand we are mother of the year and have a career at the same time. WE do not set boundaries in our lives, take care of ourselves first (which every man and child does naturally). Cosmopolitan Magazine, in my opinion, is the most damaging publication for women ever created. Next time you get a chance to read a copy, if you are a woman,  I dare you not to feel completely  inadequate in bed, at the office, in the kitchen, hell at anything for that matter. Its women based ideas and publications/media that are loading us up with these unrealistic expectations. Consequently, because we are expected to do it all and do it all well, we either excel at one thing and the rest gets left by the wayside or we try to juggle everything equally and nothing is done right. It is humanly impossible to live up to what society (read our female peer group) expects of us so we feel inadequate, unworthy, less-than...you name it. There is a reason that  3/4 of  prescribed antidepressants and tranquilizers  in America are for women, and this doesn't include those that self medicate with alcohol or illegal drugs only.

So what is the answer here? I don't know, if it were that easy it would have been done, but I do have some ideas.

First, let's ask our men, be they spouse, lover, brother, father, boss or friend...what really do you want? Be specific. think of it as a sociological experiment. My guess is that they will tell you they want  the women around them to be happy, to be fulfilled, to be loving  yet strong, the yin to their yang, all of which come naturally to us. They don't want an exhausted bitchy female.

Then let's get off each other's cases. Most men I know like me way better with a curvy figure than when I was Twiggy, yet every woman I know thinks I am fat. Most men not only don't care if the house is not immaculate, they don't even notice, yet Nosy Neighbor comes over and she will see any tiny crevice dirt. We are doing this to ourselves at this point ladies, and until we stop the competing, stop the judging and the coveting, we cannot begin the transformation that men need to understand where we are coming from and how to please us, which they want to do way more than we give them credit for.

Also, set boundaries. Say yes when you mean it and no if you don't. Do not allow anyone to make you uncomfortable in any way or guilt you into social obligations if you do not want to participate. This is your life, who cares if everyone doesn't adore you, yet consequently more will if you have set limits. Men live like this and are respected for it and if we stop apologizing for breathing or for asking for extra dressing on the side we too will be respected for it, but until we all set limits and boundaries and praise each other for it than we are doomed. The sad thing is I hear the word "bitch" come out of a woman's mouth way more often than out of a man's.

I was hoping that by the time I hit this age I would not be talked over by a man, not have PMS tossed at me when I am angry, not be dismissed or ridiculed when I speak to a man of matters which are over his head just to save his ego, but it still happens.

So back to where I started. How do I teach these things to my daughter? My only answer to that is by example and perhaps if we all teach our children by example not only will they have less Zanax in their cabinets, but maybe we will too.