Sirius

My dog is dying.

I keep a positive attitude, I swear I do. A million prayers, healings and buckets of positive energy have gone out to him from friends I don't even know, wonderful people who care about this stranger and her dog,  but I sit her daily and watch him wither away, a beautiful animal turning to bones before my eyes.

I am a fixer and a healer myself. I could supply anecdotes of what I have done that you would not believe, but the bulk of my healing has been through my knowledge of diseases and their cures, and my love of nurturing and healing those I care for. I am usually quite successful.

Today I am powerless.

I cannot heal my friend. I don't even know if holding him hurts him or comforts him. There is no more medicine I can give, no more energy I can saturate his being with, nothing that will stop the progression I am watching daily.

One of my best friends is dying and I sit here, impotent and frightened, afraid I am not doing all I can, afraid my sorry and fear is hurting him more.  I look into his gaunt eyes and the anger wells up in me,  anger at whatever god or higher power or whatever keeps these wheels turning would pile on yet more hurt in my life after everything I have endured in the past. I know a human or two who deserves a slow, withering death like my canine son , so why not them? Why my baby boy who has only enjoyed life with boundless energy for a year or so? He's a baby still for chrissake.

And the pain has tendrils too, little offshoots into other parts of my life. I feel guilt and sorrow towards my husband. I got him Sirius to replace his dog, the one his ex wife murdered.  And now that Sirius has turned into the perfect dog, has become his faithful companion, his best friend, now that its Man and Dog again, he is being ripped from him, just like his other dog was, and this beautiful man has already seen so much pain and hurt and anger and injustice that this, this is too much. Why I keep asking, why Sirius?

I have a new puppy. I got her when I was sure Siruis would survuve. I got her as a playmate for him, he loves other dogs so much. She is cute and sweet tempered and loves Sirius but part of me, this evil hateful part, it despises her for her energy, the life force that I want to snatch from her and inject into my Sirius. I sit and watch her, the beginnings of life, and him, the end, and the dichotomy is ripping my guts out.

My dog is dying.

Those of you who have had this happen know exactly what I am going through yet I feel completely alone. I don't know if is hope or wishful thinking or a protection of me or themselves but no one will agree with me so I am alone in my sorrow.  I wish the hope had not left, I really do. Hope is just an illusion we treat ourselves to so we can go on, but watching him all day, day in and day out, seeing him fade slowly before my eyes, how am I supposed to have hope? I have always been the kind of person who eventually loses the people and things she loves so why should Siruis be any different? Poor pitiful me. Everyone deserves a bout of self pity now and again.

I don't want other's pity. I don't want platitudes or Pollyanna attitudes, I don't want upbeat positive thinking. I want someone to hold me while I cry my soul out for my dying friend. I don't want to cry alone anymore.

And I want answers. Why does Mark have to lose another beloved friend? Why is such a sweet loving animal being tortured by a disease when there is plenty of evil in the world that deserves it much more?

I don't want to hear "the good die young". "God needs him now" "he will be in a better place" there's a reason for everything" I don't want to hear another bullshit saying from a bumper sticker, I just want my fucking dog back. Is that so hard?

My new puppy Maggie is a sweetheart and I know as she grows with the family she will become a precious part of it. I already love her very much. But her brown eye are too much like Sirius's and I know I will see him in there, at least in part, whenever I look at her sweet face.

I haven't had much death n my life, at least death of people I truly care for, and the animals I have had have either been lost to me through divorce  or by some other means, so I have never really had a pet die before and certainly Sirius is one of the best ones I have had. How do you deal? Am I over reacting? Should it feel like this, like my brother is dying?

The why won't it go away? And the helplessness. If he needed a kidney it  would be his, if he needed anything it would be his but only he can fight this now, he and the medicine that may be killing him as well, we really don't know for sure. Hell he may have cancer and all this hope and medicine is for nothing.

All I know it that by letting him run and play and be free I have allowed him to contract a rare and frequently fatal infection. It's my fault he is dying. How do I reconcile that with my son and my husband when he is gone (my daughter is not super attached to him). How do I tell them I am sorry? That he was having so much fun and is such a magnificent creature to watch play and hunt in the muck that I killed him by accident?  I dont think "whoops my bad" will suffice here.

As I type this I watch my 13 year old cat Chloe, the friend who has seem me though the worst times of my life, and I think how ironic it is. I have always though she would be the first pet I would mourn for. But I never felt like this about it. She has had a long and good life so if she were to go tomorrow the lame philosophies designed to comfort us would probably work, I am not a completely negative person.

And I also sit here and watch Maggie my puppy, still smaller than my fat ole cat Jake, I watch her as she sleeps at my feet, already attached to me at age 10 weeks. She will be a good dog, We will love her and she will be faithful and is already quite protective yet has a gentleness about her as well.

Sirius sleeps in his crate. He will sleep all day and perk up when Daddy gets home so no one believes me when I tell them how sick he is. He runs on conserved energy when around Mark, they are best friends and even in his sick state he has put himself on the line to protect us.

I do obits for all my friend's and family who lose pets. I know how they are human to us and part of the family and I hurt with them when they lose a pet.

Please up there, don't make me write one for own family.