Love is a tricky word. Most people say "I love you" much easier than they can actually define what exactly "love" is. It seems to mean something different to each person, but one thing that is universal, no matter how much of a romantic you are, is that love is NOT all you need.
I dedicate this blog to Gretchen and Miranda, two beautiful and unique young women whom I love very much and who I want to benefit from not only my half a century of personal experience, including 2 failed marriages, but from all the knowledge I have learned from my friends, my enemies, and my precious books.
So here are some ways to tell if the guy is a keeper or a throw away. I had to learn this the hard way, with lots of heartbreak, some of which changed me, and I don't want that to happen to you.
Please notice that "do you love him?" is not in here anywhere, since we love many things that are not good for us, be them cigarettes, sugar, fried food, or toxic men. I am also assuming you would not be reading this if you did not think you were in love already.
Take what you want and leave the rest. Pass this on to your friends if you think it can help, or just scrap the whole thing and call me crazy. You are old enough to make your own decisions, I just hope you will give my ideas a chance. I want only love and life and happiness for you and if I can prevent even a little heartbreak I will be happy, so here goes:
- How does he treat his mother and his sisters? This is a universal truth; a man will treat you like he treat the women already in his life, especially his mother. if he shows disrespect, contempt or ignores her needs and wishes you can be guaranteed at some point he will start treating you the same way.
- After a few dates, can he tell you what color your eyes are? After a month does he know your favorite song? Movie? Color? If he can't tell you the color of your eyes or know the basics of your likes after a reasonable amount of time, he is not really into the person you are inside. It may be he is not that interested, or that he doesn't pay attention but either way, you don't want someone who doesn't want to get to know you inside and out.
- Does he ask questions when you talk and does he remember the answers in a week? Is there equal parts talking and listening in the conversation? Can you sit for hours and talk without it turning into sex? Do you feel you can tell him anything and that he tells all his secrets to you too? Communication is the hallmark of intimacy and intimacy is what keeps love and relationships alive. When you decide to look for a mate for life, remember that the fireworks end at some point. Is this person interesting enough to you, and in you, to sit on the porch and chat with when you are 80? Even if its just a high school thing, you are just now learning about intimacy, find a worthy partner to learn with. (And I don't mean physical intimacy, I won't be touching that one yet).
- This is a huge one: Does he "get you"? Does he understand your quirky jokes, your oddball ways and is he able to relate to them? Do you have "Seinfeld moments" together? Inside jokes? Does he fit into your family, with your friends, into your life and who you are easily or do you have to make some adjustments? Of all the indicators, this is in the top 3 of whether or not a relationship will work, you must "get" each other.
- Do you make each other laugh? This sounds trite but laughter will get you through a lot together so you better be able to make each other laugh. Life it too serious as it is, you need to be able to have fun together. This is also an indicator that you are friends as well as "loves", a combination that is vital to the health of a relationship.
- Physical abuse is easy to see, but emotional abuse or neglect is a bit trickier. Some red flags, indicators that you need to run away fast: Does he talk over top of you, interrupt you? Does he dismiss your feelings or your needs? Does he sigh, roll his eyes, say "whatever" if he doesn't understand instead of asking to clarify? Does he try to tear down your family or isolate you from them or your friends? Is he jealous or possessive? Does he respect your privacy? Do you walk on eggshells around him, for any reason? Any of these things is a very bad sign. You cannot change him. This is important so I will say it again: YOU CANNOT CHANGE HIM. Run away before he destroys your confidence, your spirit and your sense of self. You deserve the best. Always. If you come away with nothing else, remember this one.
- Do you feel safe with him? Not just physically safe (he won't hurt you and will try to protect you from harm) but emotionally. Again, can you talk about and express your feeling without fear of ridicule or dismissal? Many men take the stance that if THEY don't think your emotions are"valid" or "appropriate" then they can dismiss them and of course this is unacceptable behavior. And does he fight fair? Do you feel safe expressing negative feelings without worry that he will end the relationship or that he will stoop to name calling, bringing up old fights, or hitting "below the belt"? Can you trust him with your feelings and does he trust you with his?
- Are you as important as anything else in his life? School? Sports? Friends? Because if you are not, believe me, taking a back seat to other things gets old fast and will ruin your self esteem and destroy emotional intimacy. You deserve to be number one in his life, or at least tied with family or friends or football. If not, find someone else who is smart enough to see how awesome you are. He is out there.
- Does he open doors for you? This might seem silly or outdated but if he doesn't, tell him you would like him to. You will feel special and cherished and it will make him feel more manly, I guarantee it.
- Finally, Don't settle, ever. Make sure he is honest, that he has morals and that he will not compromise them for anyone, even you. Make sure he is sincere and straight forward. Make sure he thinks you are the best. Money can be lost, and "cool" in a guy is sexy and magnetic, but it doesn't last. Once you get used to the cool or he can't put up the facade any longer (and cool is really just an act) the person under it all is what you are getting and is what ultimately will satisfy your heart and your mind, not image and not material things.
Be happy lovely ones. I wish you the best and remember, always be true to yourself and you won't go wrong.
